Preface on Anxiety and Depression
I want to state now that I am no doctor, psychologist, therapist nor am I a college graduate. All the points and opinions made are my own, from my own readings, research, and personal experience. The article will be more personal than my others and will be longer, so I advise you to read this in spurts unless you prefer reading it in one sitting. Hopefully I am able to help or show a new perspective on the anxiety and depression issues we as humans deal with.
I like to think I’ve thought of something new or groundbreaking in regard to some topics most people shy away from. Those being anxiety, depression, accountability, personal values, suffering, and happiness/positive reinforcement. I’ve come to the conclusion that in the West or other countries known as the United States grooms and breeds people fit to suffer from things like anxiety, depression, and horrible values.
When I say this, I want to note that to some degree everyone will deal with and or have the previous conditions listed, that itself is normal. What is also normal that shouldn’t be is how no one knows how to manage and or deal with those problems in a healthy manner. For most people (not all) therapy is the key to learning how to deal with and process all of those emotions, the only problem is not everyone goes to therapy.
America has us on a hamster wheel when it comes to dealing with anxiety and depression. We forever chase something that is unobtainable through means of acquisition. I’m going to go into depth on the topics of anxiety, depression, accountability, personal values, suffering, and happiness. I will explain how we’ve been bred to go to therapy because we simply are not taught or shown what it is we need to know in order to handle, and deal with the emotions previously listed.
Anxiety- battle between the known and unknown
The definition of anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. I’m sure everyone at some point in their life has experienced the very feeling that was described. Which is perfectly normal considering the inconsistencies of life. What is normal but should not be is how we are not equipped to handle the issues in life that cause us to be anxious, so that when people do become anxious it can develop into a disorder. There is more than one anxiety disorder. Those being generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, social anxiety disorder and so on.
Majority of our fears are taught to us as toddlers, then children, and lastly teenagers. Parents instill fear in their children majority of times for safety precautions, while having pure intentions it can later negatively affect your child as they get older. While parents do what they can to protect their children at certain ages, the fears that were instilled at those ages don’t leave on their own. For some parents, threatening their children is how they believe the child will comply with whatever orders they give. Threatening your children works more times than not but all that’s doing is giving the child something to be afraid of. I do want to point out though that it is necessary to make it clear that there are consequences to certain actions taken or not taken. In school for example if a parent states the child will have their phone taken for not having good grades that is not bad, it is important to instill structure.
Life isn’t black and white, neither is anxiety and depression
The type of anxiousness I’m referring to is the dramatized ones, where an over exemplified amount of significance is placed on something that isn’t deserving of it. Giving a consequence or threatening a child for not going to college, being top 10% in their class, constantly talking about their weight. Reminding them of certain failures, lack of positive reinforcement, and even yelling are a few ways on how anxiety comes to form. I want to acknowledge the fact that every human being will have anxiety, the examples given are to showcase how a parent can instill anxiety to a child that has none. The parent sets the child’s standard of right and wrong.
The problem I see is that there lacks resolution in most cases, or better yet lack of a gray area. Parents portray life to be black and white, the lack of not needing to explain yourself to a child is a big part of it. Most young children may not understand the gray area that exists in life and that’s okay but it’s essential to allow the child to be aware of an alternative outcome. If life is too planned out, chaos is bound to be invited. When you try to control everything, reality has a way of showing just how little control you actually have. Acknowledging that you experience suffering is the first step you are being able to deal with the chaos life brings.
Below are two clips from the same scene of the movie “Batman the Dark Knight”. Here the joker is making the point that we are not as in control of our lives as we think. He also makes the point that chaos isn’t personal, tragedies that come our way are not personal. We aren’t as targeted as we think we may be in our heads, but the fair thing about chaos is no one is excluded from it.
My personal examples
I’m not a fan of personal anecdotes when trying to justify or explain the means of something but I will use myself and my experiences with anxiety to hopefully make more sense. I have been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. For me my anxiousness stems from the inability to look at all things as not black and white. Not knowing the outcome of something causes me anxiety, the fear of failure makes me anxious because I instantly think of the worse outcome, I have outcomes made out before they happen. I constantly make something out of nothing. In my high school years for me it was “if you don’t go to college, you’re a failure, if you are unable to get any college offers for basketball then you aren’t good enough, if you don’t interact with your siblings, you’re a bad big brother”. I never was able to rationalize and find a conclusion that opposed the one I had made in my head. I didn’t just make these outcomes out to be on my own, this is not to place any blame but to highlight how important it is to reassure your children that there are ways to cope with the anxiousness and to lower the anxiousness.
I was always compared to my other male family members who in my eyes my mother thought were better brothers than me, there was frequent comparison, questions as to why I wasn’t like this person or that person. It wasn’t until recently that I disclosed to my mother that I was severely affected by those comments, she wasn’t aware of how bad those comments made me feel. She now sees it, I know that what she said was meant to motivate, and full of pure intent. Looking at it now as discussed with my therapist I needed more positive reinforcement. Parents unintentionally cause their children to be fearful of so many things and outcomes without stating that if you do mess up there’s a way to fix or handle it. I think in most cases the anxiety that people get stems from the uncertainty of a situation, that uncertainty arises from expectation. I know for myself I get anxious because I don’t know the outcome of something and or I’m afraid it isn’t going to go the way I expect it to go. Expectations and entitlement are poured so much into children. Go to school, get good grades, go to college and you’re on the “right path” so to speak. Treat a woman with respect and kindness then she’ll give you a chance. If you work hard at whatever it is you’ll achieve it. Those statements I listed not only come from parents but through all forms of art and social media
Entitlement/Expectations develops anxiety.
At every glance you take on social media there’s always something being shown to you that you don’t have. The most popular apps have even gotten the algorithm down so correctly that it purposely finds your “interests” and shows you only one side of the coin. On Instagram we see pictures of people at beaches taking amazing photos not knowing they paid to reserve that empty spot you see in the picture. We see male influencers who have money telling men how to get women, what is never said in the video is how many divorces they may have had and or if they’ve even been married. Music is the same way, the money, the materialistic items have so much significance tied to it that it convinces listeners that it has value. Hollywood loves emphasizing happy endings. They love to show how the protagonist is able to overcome whatever is thrown his way and achieve whatever his set out goal was in the film.
Outside of parents instilling their own sets of values to their children all forms of art and media do as well. The world tells us that we are owed, and the reality is the complete opposite. Clickbait titles on “how to get rich”, “how to get a six pack in a week”, “the three keys to happiness”. Everything that gets shown to us and told to is told and shown in a manner of certainty. Consuming not just what your parents tell you that you ought to do and along with the world is bound to have you constantly questioning your every decision. How often is it taught not just by parents but shown in the media on how we should handle things such as suffering, or to better be prepared to suffer. Suffering is the one thing in life that isn’t expressed to the degree it needs to.
- The video below is from a Film called fight club. The purpose of this scene is to better explain my point on how society attempts to pressure us into feeling the need to obtain what they say hold significance, keeping us consumers on a hamster wheel. Constantly keeping us expecting and feeling entitled
Parents and public figures will all say not everything will go your way. That’s a very broad way of saying 99% of things won’t. The actions we take in everyday life have purpose to some form of a means. At every given second every action we take or decision we take is with the intent that we will receive some form of happiness, which I want to say now is subjective. It’s the fear of not knowing whether or not our decision that we make will give us the happiness we seek. Because the unknown outcome or the outcome that we have made up is too hard to bear. The west is always telling you what you ought to do and not, and it takes outside interference, therapy, or someone or you coming to the conclusion that it is okay for things to not go your way. It is okay to in return feel your emotions based on the outcome, as long as you can pick yourself up and cope in a healthy manner, health in this regard is objective. It is okay to be nervous, it is okay to be scared and anxious. What is not okay is to let those feelings grow to the point where you are unable to function properly, when I say properly, I mean not letting the anxiety decide more than 50% of your decisions.
Again, I am the same guy whose heart starts to race at the site of someone, because all I can think of is how fucked I am in regard to that person, when quite frankly that might not be the case but it’s my inability to accept that. My anxiety impacts my actions, maybe larger than others but I say all this to say we shouldn’t let it get that far. Before I close this I want to say most parents weren’t taught the same things I’m advocating that they teach their children so the blame and faulting only goes so far. Hence why I said most times it takes an outside source to come to such understandings about one’s own anxiety. Social media doesn’t help either which is why it’s important to not get caught up in anyone else’s life but your own. Comparisons invite envy, jealousy and a sense of urgency in some cases. Don’t be like me and create something out of nothing. Understand that irrational fears are only irrational because of the inability to accept them , not knowing that the thing you’re afraid of happening might happen or it might not and that’s okay if it does.
My Depression development
Depression is not something that people should self-diagnose. Being depressed is more than sharing some symptoms. Depression is something that everyone should attempt to get evaluated for before claiming they have or that they suffer from it. It isn’t something you can just snap out of or fix overnight. Being diagnosed with depression I would like to give some insight to my personal depressive disorder.
To sum up my interests very quickly I played basketball from 7th-11th grade, was an intensive reader, constant movie watcher and enjoyed going to the gym. Those were all my interests and things I enjoyed doing… at least that’s what I thought. I have lived my entire life through a means of a third party lens, not actually being in the moment but merely watching myself commit emptiness motions.
That is until my last relationship where for the first time in my life I had someone who made me want to be present and be the best person I can be. During my relationship I was constantly going to the gym, reading, and playing basketball. Doing all the things I thought I genuinely enjoyed. After my breakup I quickly learned that is not the case, after my relationship ended, I got to the point where nothing interests me. For me I had poured my entire sense of being into my relationship to the point where it felt (and still feels) like without my relationship there is no meaning in my life. All of my skeletons came out of the closet that I was trying to discover. I ended up in therapy because I wanted to be the person my partner needed, in therapy I discovered I haven’t really dealt with any of my trauma, I kept all of it in. Not knowing how to cope or deal with any of the trauma I endured, mixed with the development of anxiety that I was gaining from the world was just the worst mixture that could happen. I went into a relationship not dealing with any of that and it ended getting in the way of things, despite me going to therapy to fix it some problems were just too big to fix within the time given. To quote Shia LaBeouf ” I thought happiness was to be acquired.”
I want to say that I do not blame or think my ex is to blame for my depression because the truth is my depression existed prior to the relationship. It just happened to be that in the relationship I was taking the steps to cure myself of the traumas I endured. The only problem was I was doing it for someone else. Like my entire life thus far everything I’ve done for the most part has been for others’ satisfaction, I never knew or thought about my wants or needs. This behavior translated into my relationship, to the point where my partner would ask what can she do better or do to help and my response was always nothing. No one had ever proposed such questions to me before. Post breakup I am now feeling lost, hopeless, and nihilistic.
Depression insight
I wake up and wish that I didn’t. I go to work with people I’ve worked with for years and I can’t tell if they all feel like strangers to me or if I’m a stranger. I pick up a basketball and feel empty, having 0 desire to do anything with it. My therapist made me make a list of 10 things I enjoy, and that was the hardest list to make. My mental state is so negative that nothing looks fun or entertaining. I was able to make my list, and the one thing that everything had in common was that none of my true interests are circumstantial, meaning I enjoy them under any circumstance. I enjoyed basketball under the guidelines of having someone I know play with me. That isn’t as genuine as my love for writing, no matter the circumstance I know I enjoy writing. My biggest problem at the moment is I’m doing what it is that I know I like but I’m not reaping the feelings of happiness. The scary thing about depression is that in the midst of actively trying to do better, and having things go good for me in my life, I wish I could say that makes me happy. It drives me crazy that I am unable to feel good about doing good. I’m seeing a psychiatrist, therapist and am taking antidepressants. Doing all the things everyone tells you are the right steps, and I still don’t want to be here. That is said not to be negative but to relate the transparency about how people on the outside look in based on the correct actions I’m taking to help with my depression. I’m still miserable on the inside. This is my problem to deal with and soon fix. I’m self-aware enough to know I can be better, it’s just a matter of not letting my anxiety get the best of me. While also being able to recognize there are things, I need to let go of, and values that need to change. The longer I hold on to these values, the more pain I will ultimately endure.
Understanding Values
Everyone for the most part gets their personal values from the parents or the environment in which they are raised in. A large majority of values are made personal. The moment you make your values personal is the moment you open the door to your feelings getting hurt, which leads to emotions such as sadness, anger, and confusion. Think about whatever problem you have and ask yourself why it is a problem, figure out what it is you’re placing your value on. An example would be a wife being angry at the fact her husband doesn’t respond to her texts fast enough, she then thinks that because he doesn’t reply as fast as she likes that he somehow doesn’t care about her as much as he says he does. In this case the value being shown is the wife correlating her husband’s response time to how much he cares about her. Instead, she should take the value that she puts on the response time and place it on the fact that he replies at all. Our values are responsible for a large portion of our conflicts and anxiety. Aside from the values we get from our parents, society gives us pretty bad values as well. Society makes values so black and white which in return causes people to spiral. If you treat others with kindness then you’re looked at as a good person, or that you care about said person. But what happens if you don’t? It’s more often taught or assumed that the person who doesn’t treat others with kindness is then rude, or not a good person. When in reality that isn’t the case, judgment of one’s character is deeper than what they do for others and what they don’t do. Most children aren’t taught that, so they grow up only with what they saw and what they were told. More times than not when we treat others with kindness, we’re in return met with a form of positive reinforcement which makes us likely to continue it. Everyone loves to think they’re self-righteous, everyone wants to be a problem solver to whatever it is they value. When the reality of things is the only problems any of us can solve are our own. Our values are responsible for the emotions we feel during certain outcomes of situations. It’s easier said than done but finding good non selfish values will help with feeling less anxiety. Find the right things and people to care about but while also protecting yourself.
The book that inspired me to write about this topic was none other than “How To Unfuck Yourself” by David Welter I advise everyone to read this book rather audio or hardcopy https://www.amazon.com/HOW-UNFUCK-YOURSELF-TRANSFORM-LIBERATION/dp/B0BW32R346
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Loved the blog🩷.